The Dirty Little Secret that no one wants to talk about
To Rihanna and Chris Brown please get help your actions may save someone’s life.
If we are not already facing enough anxiety about money and layoffs, and foreclosures and now the secret is out in the open again. The truth is it never goes away, it has to be addressed.
Our family values about violence in the family is to not talk about and act like it does not exist so that men don’t go to jail and women will not press charges. so they will not end up alone or hurt again.
It does not matter who you are, no one is exempt and it can happen to people who have everything. Domestic Violence is a very serious problem in America for women and children in every ethnic group.
More women have been a victim of Domestic Violence than any of us would admit. The fear we have experienced at the hands of those we love is pure horror.
It is scary to admit to how much violence is a part of our lives, whether is it actually happens to us or someone we interact with every day.
Women are always blamed for causing or provoking a man to use violence against her. Violence against women is not even an important issue to society as a problem until a rich person is exposed or someone is killed.
To be fair, young boys witness abuse from their fathers in ways that can be more than just physical, like fathers who break down a young man’s self esteem with verbal abuse. There is a code of silence among men that ignores the impact of abuse on male children as adults that triggers the same behavior towards women.
During my childhood there were incidents of violence in someone’s house at least once or twice a week. It is a frightening and difficult thing to understand as children. Couples would argue and get loud about something and it would escalate into all out fighting with someone ending up bleeding.
Black family values created a web of silence and insulation almost protecting of the abuser, forcing the victim and the witnesses to go on with life like nothing happened. I don’t remember the police every coming to someone’s house in my neighborhood. The secret was kept in the confines of the community.
No wanted to talk about it then and the same is true today, the ugliness of it all creates a wall of fear that makes everyone afraid of what will happen if it is ever exposed. It is the wound that never heals and women that will never be the same so they will dress it up, cover it up and cope with it until the damage is smoothed over.
It was difficult to see a family embarrassed by the bruises and obvious signs of violence on the face of the mother. Sometimes my mother or another mother would take the children in and feed them to give the mother a chance to pull it together. We learned though our values to not show embarrassment and to be supportive of the family to get through it.
There would be lots of whispering and crying hugging between the women. The couple would stay together, but the next time your saw the father of that family you never looked at him the same way. As a child my family values taught me to not speak disrespectfully to an adult, so once again the wall of silence prevailed.
I would ask my parents why people fought each other and would be reminded that grown folks business ain’t everybody’s business, so I never received an answer. No one ever explained domestic violence to me in a way that I could make sense out of in my world.
This fact along with the violence in my own life has had a direct affect on the family values I imparted to my family. My children have been taught something different than the values I learned.
Incidents of violence have affected me throughout most of my life in all of my relationships and in how I raised my daughters but just as important in how I raised my son.
One in every four women in America are violently abused and 80t o 90% of these stay with their abuser or go back.
Domestic violence is not usually a one time occurrence it is usually a repeat incident and happens more frequently than it is reported.
Our family values can affect how we choose to deal with violence in our relationships.
This can happen to anyone, no matter what status you are in life. No one is exempt. If you are reading this and any of it applies to you, talk to someone, please get help now. If there is intimidation, control and force in your relationship, please get help now. CALL 800-799-SAFE (7299)
